--
0

ANOTHER 30 DAYS GONE. . .

Time really does go by fast when you have so many things to keep you busy. The focus of my blog has really been all over the map (if you've been keeping up with me) and I went back to my first post (08-11-2003) and remembered I would share some of my better college stories, funny or otherwise.

I started making a list the other night and decided to use this as the first one.

HOW I CHEATED IN COLLEGE AND GOT AWAY WITH IT

I know what you're thinking. I'm a bad person, I cheated in college to get better grades. Although this was a long long time ago, and I'm completely over the whole problem of the morality of cheating. I looked at it differently then and felt pretty guilty for doing what I did, but there were two possible outcomes. I cheat, I get a horrible grade in a class I don't really need, and my GPA is sunk. OR, I could cheat, get a good grade, and then retain a nice GPA and get on with my life. I chose the latter and it all turned out just fine for me. Although I'm a little suspicious about the really bad ankle sprain I suffered a few days after doing this. I'll leave it up those who believe in Karma if it was me getting payback for doing something ethically sketchy.

Anyways. . .

HOW I DID IT

Some background first. I was a sophomore at NDSU. I had a decent GPA (hovering around a 3.6) and was doing horribly in Psych 101. I hated the class, hated the professor and all the double blind, single blind, Pavlov's dog and Skinner box nonsense. I used to skip this class regularly and it showed in my test scores. I was heading for a D and only had two more tests to get my grade up to a C or a B.

I hatched my plot when I was talking to one of my dorm mates and he said he cheated all the time and said it was pretty easy. He said he ordered this book written by some Harvard guy who advertised in our school paper (the ad was right next to the same book about how to get out of paying speeding tickets. Trust me, the irony was not lost on me) and said I could borrow it. I figured what the hell, what do I have to lose??

I picked up the book later that afternoon and began reading it. Most of the techniques were about how to use your friend to cheat. Stuff like using the positions of a gear shift to tell the guy next to you what the answer was. Up was "a", down was "b", to the right was "c" and to the left was "d". Depending on the position of the non-writing hand, you could communicate what the answer was without making a lot of noise.

Other techniques included how to make crib notes and how to hide them properly so you won't get caught. One of the last ones I really thought would work was the idea of when there are freshman classes, professors usually have several different times and days for the same class. You could go to the test at one time, take the test, take home the questions, and then go to the class you registered for and then take the test again. I did some checking and guess what? My freshman Psych 101 class had two class times. One at 8am and my class which was at 1pm.

My mind was made up. I'd go take the early test, then bring home the questions, get the right answers and go take my "real" test at 1pm. Although there were two classes and both were huge (all freshman classes are), I felt I had to disguise myself to avoid detection. I couldn't wear the same thing both times, even in a classroom full of some 300 people, I thought I'd get caught. I can laugh now, but then I thought I was so smart.

My girlfriend at the time wore glasses and I told her what I was going to do and she reluctantly turned over her glasses to me for a few hours. The other problem was my hair. I had a HUGE mullet, so I took one of her Disneyland hats and tucked my hair up under the cap. I also wore her white tennis shoes to complete the disguise. I must have looked like such a knob, but I knew it was something I had to do in order to avoid getting busted.

At 7:30am my girlfriends alarm went off and I started getting ready. I got to campus and was hoping nobody would recognize me. I took the long walk from the T-2 lot to Stevens Auditorium. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I got there and shuffled in with all the rest of the freshman. I took a seat (of course not in my "normal" spot near the back) off to the left hand side of the main row and about halfway down the aisle. The grad students started passing out the test and I got mine and went to work. I filled in some fictitious student i.d. and starting scanning the test like some diamond thief who just got the master plans to the jewelery store. After waiting for a few people to get up to turn in their tests, I got up with a few other people and strolled down to the front of the class and slide my scantron test under a bunch of other tests already sitting on the professors desk. I strolled out and back to the T-2 thinking I had just completed phase 1 of my little scheme. I thought it was smooth sailing from here on in, but I was about to get the shock of my life. . .

I get back to the house where I lived and started going through the test, question by question. I was matching answers up with the textbook and double checking to make sure I knew the answer. Then my roommate came home and this is when my problems began. He asked me what I was doing and I was pretty confident I was about to usurp the system and get over the man so I told him what I did. I was waiting for the proverbial, "NICE! Way to not let the man hold you down!" but instead I got a twenty minute lecture on the ethics of cheating and how he had to turn me in to thwart my evil plan and restore balance to the universe. This was not something I was prepared for or ready to address. I still had 15 questions I needed to get the answers for and time was running out. . .fast.

I decided to make a deal (something I'm pretty good at) with him. I would take the test as scheduled and then if I got an "A" I would go and turn myself in. If I got a "B" or a "C" we would agree to let it stand for the greater good of keeping my GPA up. Trust me, my argument was a LOT more convoluted, but I could his expression turning to my side and we even had a handshake on it. I thought that was the end of it. . but it wasn't.

THE TEST

1pm came around too fast and I didn't get all the answers. I was about 5 questions short, but felt with the number of answers I had, I could make it work, get a "B", secure my GPA and also clear my good name with my roommate. I went to take the test and strolled in and sat with a few friends. Different hat of course, no glasses and of course, no white tennis shoes. It was a good thing I went for the answers instead of memorizing the letters of the answers. The sneaky professor had changed the order of the answers in the second version of the test. On the first test, the answer to "Why did Pavlov cross the road?" would've been "B", but in this version the correct answer was actually "C". I thought to myself, "The man just tried to thwart me and flush me out as a cheater, but I cut him off at the pass, I'm too smart you can't catch me!"

I finished the test and felt like Val Kilmer in "Real Genius" where he turns in his final test to professor Hathaway with a note that says, "I aced this". I really wanted to, but didn't. I walked out into a sunny spring afternoon, confident I had beaten the system and felt like I was well on my way with my college career. My general classes were now complete and I could finally focus on the really cool classes and the stuff which interested me - no more of this psychology bullshit.

I thought this was the end of the story. . .

AFTERWARD

When I got home later that night, my roommate was there waiting for me. He said he had felt so guilty, he told his academic advisor about my scheme and he in turn had escalated it to the dean of the Architecture Program who I was told will be calling me later that afternoon to discuss what I did. I can't imagine the look on my face when he said it. I started blabbering something about we had a deal and all the "good" reasons for cheating. He stood there for a second and then I could see the smirk on his face, which then turned into a huge smile, and then he started laughing at me really hard. He lied to me and got me - REALLY GOOD. I had a minor heart attack trying to think of what I'm going to say to the fucking dean of Architecture when he asks me why I cheated on a Psych 101 test. In his witty, "The morale of this story. . " voice my roommate gave me another 15 minute lecture on why cheating is bad, but I didn't hear one fucking word he said to me. Later that night I was at the bar basking in the glow of my perfectly executed plan, knowing in a few days all would be back to normal.

Two days later the test scores were posted and I scored a modest 89%. Good enough for a "B". It was the perfect score in my mind. High enough to affect my grade, but not too high to arouse suspicion of a cheat.

I had put together the perfect plan, and executed it to perfection. Although I had a few other times where I bent the rules, they were never as elaborate as this one. Looking back, I laugh at it all now. I should've just gone to class and endured it, and gotten a good grade, but I took a shortcut and it almost came crashing in on me.

If nothing else, I learned never to be so cavalier when doing something clearly beyond the bounds of acceptable academic ethical standards and just keep it to yourself. Then after ten years when it's safe, you can spill the beans.

More stories to come. . .


NEXT TIME:

How I avoided getting a $600 minor consumption ticket my freshman year.