WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I've often wondered when my mid-life crisis will hit. I'm quickly approaching 40, and after listening to people, I'm at a ripe age for this to happen. For some reason, I just don't think its going to happen to me. I've often thought of who I really am, and tonight was no exception. Went to the new movie The Invisible and it was rather depressing. It was about a guy who almost gets killed and then is in a state of purgatory and has to find out who jacked him. The irony is the girl who he knows does this to him dies at the end and in effect saves him. Of course she dies, but he lives - weird. On the way home, in the darkness, my mind once again started to wonder.
I saw the dark lights of the highway and saw a few cars passing by, I've always loved the darkness and the night. The wind blowing over the concrete and grass and the trees singing their song to the shadows. It made me think again about who I really am. This is by all measures, what 20 minutes of deep thinking got me.. .
I am for all intense purposes a chameleon. Not by the usual standards mind you. I blend. Into everything and into any situation, group or conversation. I like to think of myself as somewhat undefineable. I love sports but follow few teams closly. I watch ESPN and get enough info to hold a decent conversation at the lunch table with the other people I work with. I listen to talk to radio and get enough fodder to hold my own with either conservatives or liberals. I literally stand for something but nothing, all at the same time. Right now, I'm in a more conservative phase. One of my true loves is really music. I have such diverse tastes in music (thanks mom and dad) I can hold any conversation and actually know quite a bit about everything from the Stones to black metal, punk and trance and techno. Its probably the only thing which a spend a considerable amount of time studying and loving. As far as dress goes, I can go with the three piece suit, or dress down with the long baggy shorts, t-short and baseball cap pulled down low. I can walk into any situation and instantly blend in. In order to do so, you must not stand out, but simply the opposite. You can't be too boisterous or loud, you can't be staunch about anything and above all - OBSERVE EVERYTHING.
I feel I don't mislead people, but merely change what their perceptions of me are. Once, when my friends and I were in Wisconsin on a snowboarding trip, we ended up at a strip club. We were early and went to a side table. Lucky for us, two dancers just got done and came over to talk with us. I hate strip clubs since I don't get the premise for guys anyways. You go somewhere, have some half naked woman rub her tits on you. You can't touch her, but you willing give her $20 for her trouble??
You pay some women to get you all aroused and hard as hell, but you can't To me, this is just another classic example of how women really do run the world. ANYWAYS, two strippers come over and sit down. Now my friends are big fans of the strippers - me not so much. My friends attempt to start several conversations. I find out one of our half naked friends likes Marilyn Manson and I notice she has a small lunch box. If you're a Manson fan, you know Ol Marilyn used to haul around a small lunchbox. His fans caught on, and then they too started this fad of carrying aroung a little aluminum lunchbox. Urban Legends abound about his minions bringing the lunchboxes to gigs and passing out X to everybody. So I make light of this and ask if the lunchbox had anything to do with her fondness for the band. All I got was a deer in the headlights look. I quickly realized I just tried to start a conversation with someone with little or no knowledge about music, she just liked his music, and really didn't care too much beyond this. After several more attempts to start conversations by my friends with really nice ones like, "Are your tits fake or real" and several other gems, I decided I would have a little fun with our new friends. I leaned over and told her I was josing for some nose candy and its been over six months since I got out of treatment. Now, I've never been in treatment, and no, I've never even done coke. I was merely drawing on my knowledge of strippers, and going with thlowest common denominator - drugs. What followed could only be described as radio gold. Of course she was going crazy too, did I have any? Did I want to go in the back room and do some bumps with her before her act? After some careful wording of my reply, we continued to talk about her addiction and the cruel world of hole-in-the wall strip clubs, and life on the road. Jesus, there are just sometimes you wish you could tape record what people say just to play it back later and muse at the funny situations you talk yourself into. Even though I was half in the bag, it was still hilarious to me.
There ya have it. If you asked all the people I work with about who I am and what my tastes are, or what I stand for, you'd probably get 20 different answers, but this is how I want it. I want to be mysterious, I like keeping people at a distance, and not completely giving up all of my secrets. Here's another reason for my blog. Not too many people know about it even now, and I would venture even less read it on a regular or semi regular basis. I do not look at this like a diary, I do not give up my secrets that easily (and I have few doozies, let me tell you) and doubt I will anytime soon. As being a stundent of time, I hope my writing will do the same.
I guess you never know. Loreena Mckennitt playing on youtube, this on my laptop, and the dog at my feet, quietly breathing, dreaming about chasing the deer out of our yard. After my experiences with D (more secrets - actually just an earlier post) she said she could never listen to Loreena again because of our mutal connection to her music. I still get pretty emotional from it too, but I still listen to it, she has such a haunting, emotional voice. It just naturally puts me in a trance, just like Enya's voice. I thing I've always known is there's other places beyind what we perceive as reality. The gateway to these places, I feel is music like this. It strikes you so deep in your soul, you can't help but let your soul take your heart and your mind away from this mind numbing, cold place. It's like setting yourself free, if only for a few minutes. Sometimes its all you need to fiind your center again.
How can you not think these are rather powerful lyrics?
May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home
Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun
Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you now
Yeah, pretty intense shit. Anyways, here's a pic for the day. I was listening to the song and the images from the Lord of the Rings movie is pretty intense.
On that note, here you go:
PURE AWESOMENESS.
Till the next time. . .
