THE NEGATIVE REACTION

WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE

Yesterday was like any other day in my life. Got up, kissed the wife goodbye, and went to work. Typical day at the office. End of the month, end of the year mayhem. Since I had already made my month, I was trying to get a few more orders in to get to the next commission level. Nothing big, nothing major. Went home, spent time with my cat and dog and hung out. Put my clothes out for today and started to get ready for bed like I always do. Then her phone rang, it was her mom.

Her Uncle had shot himself in the head while his wife was out getting groceries. He only left the note, "Dont go downstairs, call 911 or the coroner." She called 911 and left it up to the paramendics. They took him to the hospital, that's when we got the call. A few more details I didn't need to hear about and it really shook me. Having seen Bob just a few days ago, he seemed fine, no warning signs there. Nothing to indicate what he was about to do. My last memories of him are listening to his old WW II stories in the living room of Bren's Mom's house for Christmas. He seemed fine, he seemed ok. I sat up for a long time thinking about the whole episode.

There are just too many what if questions you ask yourself. What IF our family was more accpeting of him, what IF we really did want to hear his stories, what IF things were different? I don't know. That's what I'm left with, too many questions and not enough answers. Hopefully over the next couple of days we'll find out more.

These kind of things are always a shock to your emotions. It makes you re-evaluate your life, take inventory, and think you may just be sleepwalking through life - your day-to-day activities that hold little or no meaning. It re-enforces the idea of life's fragility, that you can go at any time. Hearing something like this makes me glad I have such a thirst to live, to look around and smell the roses every day. To get something out of my life everyday. It makes me wonder what it takes to get to a point where you feel this is the only way out.

HAve I been depressed? It's well documented in my blogs my months of depression after the mother of my son left me. No vehicle, no money, and no friends. It would have been easy to take that route and just kiss it all goodbye. At the time, I just looked at as if it was a test of my faith. I needed to stay strong, I knew that someday it would get better, that someday there would be light at the end fo the tunnel. It would pass and things would be better. I knew I would, I knew I could get through it. Maybe Bob didn't think that way. It's a big hole to climb out of, but I believed it would get better, it HAD to get better. Maybe he didn't have the optimism. At age 80, that faith can be tested daily, so I can understand how hard it must have been.

Unfortunately, suicide is the most brutal manifestation of selfishness one can deliver upon another human being. Let alone those who care and love you. It's like a fragmentation grenade going off in a family. EVERYONE is affected, we are all innocent victims when someone does this. Of course, now every year, for a few days, our lives will derail to remember this dreadful, sad day. We'll say a few words, raise a toast and then go with our lvies again. For better or worse, I don't know yet. I dont even know when the funeral is, what arrangements have been made, I'm just trying to cope through these words. the more I express my thoughts, the harder it is to deal with.

For right now I will conclude by saying I hope Bob is in a better place. So long and godspeed old friend, I barely knew ya.