THE NEGATIVE REACTION

A LONG STRANGE TRIP

So this weekend was rather interesting. I took a roadie up north to visit my best friend who lives in Fargo. West Fargo to be exact, but a nice move for him. Him and his wife got a really, really nice house in a new development. I was really impressed. The house was pretty cool.

So I didn't know what to expect, seeing as how NDSU used to be my stomping grounds. School was out for the summer, so traffic around campus was pretty slow. John Edwards was due to speak, so there was a lot of commotion for that. We apparently got there several hours before he was set to arrive, so it was still pretty easy to move around campus.

The problem I've been having is how to finally put my demons to rest. College was such a great time in the beginning, but it all collapsed in the end. The way I ended my college career was not really how I had envisoned it. These are the demons I wrestle with. I have dreams of being in school, being older and not recognizing anything anymore. What I realized is that Fargo is changing, just like in my dreams. So much of Fargo I didn't recognize. So much of the Fargo I knew is coming down, reduced to rubble. New bars, new buildings on campus, new downtown renovations that have transformed the city. It was pretty weird to see how everything has changed. I was remebering all the good times I had while I was in college. Now, I was the outsider, the old guy trying to relive my past. How sad is that? Trying to explain to my friends, "Yeah, this is the last house I lived in. Gawd I remember the time when. . . " After doing this a few times, it just sounded old and stupid. Like I was this old guy looking at the house remembering my glory days. Fuck! I do NOT want to be that guy!

So I have concluded my feelings are disjointed and incomplete. I never had the last page of my book written. It just ended without notice. So now I am forced to take those memories and walk away from the best time of my life. My reconcilliation was complete on the way home. There just were no more feelings left for me to share. I felt the excitement coming into Fargo like I did so many times. You see, the highway leading into Fargo is a long, straightaway that runs for probably 4 or 5 miles. So most of the time, I felt as though the city had opened her arms to welcome me back. I was the king, returning to my city, my friends, and the life I loved. I was always on the inside. Someone always welcomned me back, someone was always there to go and drink with me. Someone always wanted to know I was back in town. It was great, and it felt right.. Now I was a different person, it was a different time. The feelings I had coming back to Fargo, were the same I had when we finally got back to Minneapolis. The tinge of knowing I probably would not be back to Fargo for a while was hard, but it was good to back in Minneapolis.

So did I exercise my past - or merely concrete the memories I had? Did I want to remember my time there as positive and finally let go of what I've been chasing for so many years? I want to be the guy who remembers and is thankful for the time I spent in Fargo. I don't want to kkep chasing the memories of who I was. My time if Fargo was probably the best time of my life. I went there a suburban boy and brought back the riches of learning how to live my life. I had it all, and in an instant, it all faded away. My friends, my family, my life. I lived the brightest and the darkest days of my life, all within 7 years. It was funny, on the way home, I tried to recall the names of the ghosts of my past. Most, I came up blank, some fettered in the back of my mind. Only able to grasp at first names, matching some with faces, others were a total blank.

My only regret is that it all ended too soon. My life is here, in Minneapolis now. Those days have long since faded. I have so many memories I took with me, so many I left behind. So now, the next chapter of my life has started, and the life I knew in Fargo I now must let go of.

Maybe next time I come into town, I will feel more like a stranger, than a ghost coming back to see the place I once inhabitited.

The ghosts of NDSU? Sounds like a cool book. . . .


LATE