THE NEGATIVE REACTION

TWO DAYS BLOGGED. . .

WOW! Two days in a row, I must be doing something right, or am just too lazy to go back to working on my Service Center business plan. I think it's the latter, but something more mysterious hit me a few days back. I thought it would clear my mind (like it always does) but somehow has stayed in the front of my brain. So let's start at the beginning.

First question - Have you ever had a woman you wanted to be with (not have sex) so bad, but somewhere deep down, you knew it would never work? Allow me to introduce you to Deanna.

My college days (approx 1990-1997 thats 5 years of undergrad, and almost 2 years of post-grad work) were filled with long drinking nights, chasing skirts and lots and lots of fun. During this time, I met this tall, thin, short, dark haired marvel. Peircing blue eyes and a mind like a trap. I instantly smitten. The gods, however did not look upon me very kindly though. The one thing we did have in common was an array of girlfriends/boyfriends. It just seemed like we were always dating other people. We talked briefly and she dated one of my housemates for a while. At this time, my current girlfriend got pregnant with my son. A lot of shit went down in those last few years, and we basically lost touch with each other.

After my first move to Minneapolis, I came up for a weekend. It would be the night that changed everything. We all went out and got REALLY REALLY wasted. I was having a ball and not really caring too much agbout my behavior. We were at the bar and decided to do some tequila shots. I ended up sucking the lime out of her roomates mouth, and then asked me why I didn't get her lime. So I got her's too. But our kiss was crazy passionate. When we finished, we looked into each other's eyes and knew something was going on. Our flirting went on all night long. By the end of the night, I ended up in her room and we started talking in the dark and listening to Loreena Mckinnit.

It was perhaps of the most interesting nights I ever had. We talked at length about a lot stuff we were interested in. After more booze and some heavy petting, we had sex for like two hours. It was insane. then we crashed in each other's arms and then had sex again in the morning. From that day on, I was cursed. I went back to Minneapolis with a profound sense of finding my soulmate. When we were around each other it was literally electric. So much emotion, it was weird. I would be at work and I could "feel" her pain. It was crazy. I would call her out of the blue and simply ask her what was wrong. She told me several times I was the only guy that could peg her when she was depressed. It was like being connected with someone on a TOTALLY different level. I second time I came up, she was dating some guy and my car borke down on the way up to Fargo. Her and her roommate came and got me. Three hours to get me, and three hours back ot Fargo. We curled up on her bed and she gave me a long backrub. Of course, in the dark and again, one thing lead to another. In the morning, her boyfriend showed up and I made a hasty retreat to the living room couch. It was pretty funny. Again, another night of electricity and amazing emotion.

As fate would have it, she moved to Florida. She was a water spirit. Living in North Dakota was really draining for her. I could see it in her whenever I saw her. Her move garnered different responses from different people. Her boyfriend was pissed she didn't want to stay with him., her friends all but turned on her. they couldn't imagine why she wanted to move. After moving away two years earlier, I saw it coming myself and got out. I just saw that time in my life as a chapter that was closing. Post college graduate, in grad school, all my friends getting married and moving away. My friendships disolved over my grilfriend getting pregnant. I was left with little or nothing, and with ensuing other things, made the move back to Minneapolis. It was, perhaps, the smartest thing I could have done. So when D wanted to move to Florida, for me, it was natural, she needed it. When I explained to her what my feelings were, she was happy to know that I supported her. Little did I know where it would lead. . .

For the little time that we did spend together, I always felt that she was my soul mate. I could always confide in her and she in me. After she moved, I got to spend the 1999 new year's with her. It was weird. She was seeing someone else (as usual) and told me when we got to the airport she was in love with this guy. This is the norm for her. She always fell for guys so hard and seeimingly so easy. New Year's eve was comical, the guy acted like a knob, they got into a fight, and things disolved from there. I ended up with her good friend and she came home sometime around 5am. It didn't bother me so much, but after I left and subsequent phone conversations, we tried to works omething out so we could be together. I now had my son, and leaving Minneapolis would be hard. It seemed as though we were at a standstill. This is pretty much where the story ends.

I talked with D briefly a few times last summer. She went through a very painful relationship, and her best friend and constant confidant had moved out to marry some older guy. We talked for a long time, and it seemed that time was running over us. It was at this time I relenquished all my feelings for her and stopped my school boy fantasies of ever seeing her again, or being with her again. Our coversation was more about what we had become, not if we would ever be together. It was really sad for me.

I wrote her a long poem years ago, when my heart was broken and I couldn't get her on the phone. The story of two lost souls, hopelessly intagled, never to be together. She was my angel, and always will be. She will never be to far out of my thoughts. If nothing else, I can hold on the few nights we were together. Magical, simply magical.

So this was the one who seemingly got away. If ever I could change anything, it would be to spend it with her. Lost chances, lost loves, it's all part of life. D will always be with me, and I with her.

Glad I could finally spill my thoughts on this one.


LATE