SOMETIMES ITS EASIER
Today was interesting. I got a call from sister and she railed on me for about an hour. This shit has been building for about 5 years. I didn't think she was one to hold a grudge, but I guess I was wrong. I always thought I was the one that held the long grudges - oh well.
Her points were that I missed her wedding pictures, missed her first daughter being born, and a laundry list of other shit that gets rather involved.
So are there any excuses for missing this stuff? Since my sister is my only sibling, I would have to answer no. There can be NOTHING that is more important than family. My mother chalked it up to, "That's just the kind of person he is." Which is true on some levels, it but it begs further questions.
I wont go into grave detail, but at that time in my life, things were not going well for me. It's a long story, but my priorities were totally fucked up. Now, I can sit back and look at it and see where I went wrong. Then, going to my sisters wedding came in second to working and making money. Did I really care at the time? Not really. It didn't bother me so much, simply because it wasnt that high on my priority list. Does it excuse me from blame? No way.
Which brings me to my next point. Am I really that kind of person? I think to a certain extent I am. Although I was born a Leo, I tend to be intorverted and not have many friends. The friends I do have are usually fleeting. This has been going on since high school. Since I have so many things that I'm interested in, I never really fit into one "clique". I played soccer and hockey. BUT I loved heavy metal music and rap. I loved skateboarding, BUT I played hockey and soccer. The groups of people that were my friends were in constant conflict. The jocks hated the metal heads, the skaters hated the jocks. I was stuck in the middle. Fortunately, I have but one friend that I've known since we grew up in the same neighborhood. That's about it.
I feel the real reason that I don't have many friends is that I can never find a friend that really fits the definition. Have I ever fucked over a friend? My record would not seem to indicate so. Have MY friends fucked me over? Several times. So this is what I struggle with. If you're my friend, why do you fuck me over? I conclude then they are not really my friends and I move on. This actually happened in college. I played soccer and met a great group of guys that I played with. A huge falling out with a my girlfriend (whose best friend just happened to be my roommates girlfriend) and all of a sudden, I have no friends. They all just disappeared. I thought that guys always stuck together. I was wrong.
Yeah, we still play soccer together and are still on the same team, but I dont consider them my friends anymore. You could say we have a "professional" relationship. So once again, I basically dumped all those losers and moved on.
So to me, I have but three or four people that I can really rely on and consider those people my friends. People come into my life and go out now like a swinging door. Friends dont mean that much to me. Am I too nice of a guy? I respect people until they fuck it up. Another great case was my friend Ed. I thought he was a cool guy and when I started working at ERIKS. We got along great and hung out quite a bit. He met my now X girlfriend, after we broke up (neither told me this until later) they started "hanging out" together and fooling around behind my back. So this is the guy I loaned money to freely, chased women with, worked and partied with. Yeah, what a fucknut. I was so pissed, and so I just stopped hanging out with him and just thought of him as a total asshole that took adavantage of our friendship.
I once told my mom I wanted to be a wonderer. I guess I'm livin up to that notion. I have three permenant friends and I don't really care. My priorities are but mine alone. If doesn't make me happy - then fuck it, it ain't worth it.
I've been so fucking un-selfish and caring to everyone around me and I just stopped caring about 6 years ago. That would have coincided with my sisters wedding. The swath I cut, just happened to include my family - which was a bad choice on my part. Now, I'm going to spend the rest of my dying days trying to make up for something I thought was ok. Penenace to me, that I'm willing to accept to make things right with my sister.
So here's my conclusion. We live in a world that is tragically self-centered. For 6 years, I couldnt give a fuck. It saved me from dealing with people and their baggage. It saved me from caring about people I thought were my friends. Unfortunately what it didn't do - was find me love. I didn't hate myself, I just didn't like anybody around me. I just didn't give a fuck about anything near me - really.
So here I sit, totally happy and content with my life. I have a gif that is madly in love with me, and I have a plan for the future,
So here is the final thought. Ala' my favorite band SAVATAGE
Never sleep alone on the subways
Never walk alone on the tracks
Never take a ride to the edge of your mind
Not unless you have a ticket back
Don't believe in T.V. preachers
Don't believe in talk show stars
Never follow trends if they turn on your friends
Just to be sure you know who your friends are
And if you're running blind
On a refueled mind
Better watch the time
And careful you don't go too far
Make sure you got a ticket back. . . .
LATE
